Soul Mates

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Life after Lies

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce…

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I hope this is rock bottom.. I can’t deal with much more.

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well, I haven’t written in a couple days. Every night this week i wanted to write, but there are so many other things i had to do, like study for finals, pack up my dorm room. (by myself) and cry. 
I finished out my sophomore year of college. Barely.. barely surviving. I can just imagine my mom when people ask how it went, she would’ve said “She finished out strong” but now it’s more, “she finished out alive.” Because that’s exactly it, i’m just here, no extra UMPH.

It hit me hard last night, while packing up the last of my things, getting rejected again for brekafast in the morning because “He didn’t think he wanted to” and studying for my last final, i broke down.
I cried. I still cry that heartbreaking cry, the one where your hands shake and you lose your breath. That cry from the first night. They say it gets better, but for me it’s just an reoccurring nightmare.

I not only lost my boyfriend and best friend in one, I also lost 90% of my friends. Tonight’s the first night of summer, and I asked three different people to hang out and they all “had plans” or were “going out” None had the decency, or respect to tell me they were going to party with my ex.

None asked me if I was okay with it. 
Maybe i’m being selfish, but how can you sit there and let me cry and complain to you, and then go and get wasted with him?

I applied for a manager’s position at my job and I got it. I mean I felt like I should be excited, but I’m not. I finished school for the summer, I should be happy, but I’m not. I passed all of my finals, I should be jumping with joy, no. I’m laying in bed crying. 

I started reading a book today, i broke down and bought a book about breakups and i know it may be cheesey, but it kind of helps, as in a sense of making me think about things I refused to let myself think about. It’s called “Its called a breakup because it’s broken”

I know this summer I need to focus on ME. I need to in order to sustain any sanity that I have left. 
It just really sucks when the people who you thought were there for you, aren’t. because they’re too busy getting drunk with the person that broke your heart. 
I thought i left alone before? 

I just feel like I’m back at stage one. I am over here crying my eyes out, not eating, not sleeping, I got so upset I threw up again today.

Any advice? At this point I’m desperate 😦 

Keep on trucking, you may feel like you’re alone, but you aren’t. 

Yours truly,

-C 

Is this the next stage of our breakup?

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ImageI don’t really know anyone that is per-say “good” at breaking up, but let’s just say, it is one of my weaker attributes. Tomorrow will be one month of not being with him. One month from hell. And unfortunately, I feel like this isn’t over yet. Tomorrow I’m going to wake up and still feel like shit, and still have to force myself out of bed. Though, we’ve moved onto the next stage of our relationship you could say.

We were supposed to go visit my sister today who lives 2 1/2 hours away, and he never once called or texted me about it. So finally tonight I texted him and asked if he still wanted to go blah blah blah he does, but our schedules don’t match up. Then I called him because I, well i don’t really know. And I said, like you aren’t benefiting me by going, so don’t think you’re doing me any favors. If you want to go, then great We’ll figure something out. Got off the phone with him, bawled like a little baby because he was acting like a douche. 
So I called my older brother because he usually can make me feel better. Little did I know my brother HATES to see or hear my cry. Absolutely hates it. Yea, he wins brother of the year award. So he said he had to get off the phone because his phone was going to die and he’d call me later. 

So I texted Sam and explained to him that I’m sick of being the one to initiate the conversation and this friendship sucks and if he wants to go with me he can get off of his high horse and talk to me about it. So that conversation went back and forth a few times, and then he texts me and is like “I’m really sick of these phone calls from your brother so I’m not going to talk to you for a while.”

Shit. 

I was like what are you talking about? Apparently my brother called and left him a voicemail threatening him. And then Sam’s sister had to text me. Now, I don’t know if it was in her instinct to text me because my brother contacted him or what. She told me that it’s pretty fucking ridiculous that I have my brother calling and threatening him.. and this is the second time.. whatever.
I explained to her that I confide in my brother like Sam confides in her. I didn’t ask him to talk to sam, I didn’t even know he was going to. I don’t have my family fight my battles.

She said “well if you know he does this why would you tell him your problems? ” hmm maybe because he’s my brother… Maybe if her brother wasn’t such a dick we wouldnt be having this conversation.

and then she said “dont let it happen again”. Yeahh.. whatever.

Anyways, I don’t know if it was because my brother said something to him, or if sam asked her to contact me or what. 
I called my brother and asked why he did this. and he told me, which really made me tear up “I hate hearing you cry. I hate seeing you cry, and I hate knowing that asshole is the reason behind it. I’d rather have someone cut off my legs and arms than have him hurt you like this. He’s messing with your heart, and that’s messing with my head, and pretty soon I’m gonna have someone mess with his head.” :/ I know. It made me cry.

I also talked to my sister, who made everything better until I got off the phone with her and let my mind run wild. She told me I’m headed up. I was offered a manager’s job, I’m kicking my finals asses this week, I have so many great opportunities and my life can still be better without him. Which is true. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him with every fiber in my being. 

So after one long miserable month, I finally believe we are in the “angry fighting” stage of our breakup. Some couples start off here. Us? Well, we’re both a little fucked up in the head. 

I think my brother threatening him was a great way for him to stop talking to me. I think he was looking for an excuse as to why we couldn’t be friends, even though he continued to tell me it could work. Obviously not. 

Obviously i am still broken over this. I wish you only knew how many times I thought “I wonder what he’s doing” or “ugh I want to punch him in the face”. 

On a side note, I fucking miss my best friend so much. He’s in jail until August and I think that might be why I am going so insane. because he isn’t here to talk me out of my crazy emotions. He isn’t here to lay next to me at night 😦 

Today was a rough day. I knew it from the moment I woke up, and now I’m laying down and it still sucks. I wonder if little things remind him of me, or if he misses my snoring, or fighting over a pillow. Because it’s like little jabs to my heart with every memory that comes rushing back. 
I still hope he’s miserable, and I know until I truely hope he’s happy, and hope for the best, I will still be in this same state. 
I hope it gets better, or I hope I die from a broken heart. I said just today I’d rather be lit on fire than go through this.

If I can do it, so can you. Don’t give up, and continue fighting those battles. You aren’t alone.

Talk soon,

-C

It’s me against the world.. and the world is winning.

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It’s a new month. It’s almost been a month since he ended things, and to be completely honest, I am still a wreck. I still am not sleeping, I’m eating only because it freaked me out when I saw how much weight I lost in one week.
Last night I had a breakdown. I went to a place I swore I’d never go, because I was stronger than that. But I let myself down.  I’m not strong. I’m a mess. I’m going crazy.

I keep getting all of this advice, and I really am grateful for all of the people who are there for me and who are checking up on me and wanting to tell me what’s best, and what they did when they were in my position. Seriously, I am thankful to know I am not alone in this.

..But it’s overwhelming.  And that is what got to me. I was trying all of these things, I was trying to “Be friends with him” I was trying to ignore him, cut him off completely. I tried playing hard to get. I tried to be super nice it’s sickening. And in the midst of all of this, my heart doesn’t feel any better. I don’t feel any better. I am so concentrated on what to do to make things normal again, it’s so abnormal I can’t take it.
I know that people are looking out for my well being, But i almost believe I need to figure this out on my own. Between me and him. No wonder why there has never been a book written about how to get over a heartbreak, because all of that is shit. Everyone has their own way of getting over it.
The clock struck midnight (not to quote Cinderella or anything) and I kind of crumbled.. all of a sudden I had to get out of my room. I was going to go crazy. My friend stayed over and she was asleep. So I slipped on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt and left. I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t know where I was going. I just needed to get out of there. I had to get a breath of fresh air, and I had to be able to cry. And I did exactly that. I walked around campus and found a bench right out side of his window and sat there and broke down, to the point where I couldn’t breathe.
At this point I was texting my sister in law, because to be honest, I was scared of myself. I was scared of what would happen. She got ahold of him and my phone started blowing up from him. Which angered me. Why does he care? I mean, of course he cares. But I’m not his worry anymore. He doesn’t need to be concerned for my well being. After the 8th call I ignored, I decided to not be so selfish and call him back.Well his phone was off. So I walked around and got my composure back. At this point, it was about 2am. I walked up to his dorm room and he told me to come in. I always hate this part. Me running to him, him seeing me at my weakest point. I didn’t want that. I wanted him to think I was fine. To think I was moving on with my life and it didn’t effect me. But god, that boy can read me like a book it feels like. And I HATE it. He asked what was going on, and I told him the truth. I had no fucking idea. I didn’t know why I was doing this, I just was going crazy. I told him I couldn’t be in my room. I didn’t know what to do. He still, can calm me down. He has such a big heart which makes things so much harder. I wish he was an ass to me. I wish he’d cheat on me, or I wish he didn’t tell me he was still in love with me.
I explained to him that I can’t be friends with him. I can’t, especially right now. He told me he needed me in his life.. yeah I don’t get it either. It doesn’t work that way, but he believe it does. He told me he thinks if we really tried, we could be friends. Well buddy, if we really worked at it, I am completely positive we could be together. There’s no hope though. This is what he wants. And i still haven’t accepted it.
I literally feel like the life has been sucked out of me. I remember something I used to say when I was 15 when I thought my heart was broken,.. If i only knew hah. “It’s like my heart was ripped open and he poured salt on the wound.”
Now we have a 2 1/2 car ride together down to visit my sister next week (possibly) I look forward to it, yet I am worried. Not for me.. trust me I’ll be okay.. but he may be left on the side of the road.

We did our first “friend” thing today and went to taco bell for lunch. I wonder if it felt so natural to be together for him, yet so awkward to remind himself we’re just friends. Because it kills me.
But what do I do? This is where I’m stuck.

Do I cut him out of my life completely, hoping he’ll miss me?
But if I do this, will he just forget about me and move on? Out of sight.. out of mind..

Or do I really try to be friends with him and hope that he realizes we’re meant to be?
But if I do this.. will he be happy with just being friends and not want more?

He found out about my guy friend staying a second night, and man he flipped. I just don’t get why. We weren’t together. We didn’t do anything.. I didn’t get drunk and get hickies from this guy. It was kind of settling to hear how upset he got, because he obviously still cares. I mean he slept in that bed with me for nearly 6 months.

Please continue to pray for me. I still don’t understand what I did to deserve this, but I really do pray he changes his mind. I know it’s not going to be an over night thing, but this is where I need to really be the old careless, happy go lucky casey. The girl he fell in love with. I lost myself. But everyday that girl is becoming harder to find, because my other half isn’t next to me. :/

 

Paris3

Broken promises caused by weak hearts

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The only thing is.. he still wants to be friends with me. He wants me to be in his life because apparently.. “he needs me”.

breakupheartachediary

The only reason it is easier for me to move on is because you’ve made it clear that you didn’t want to share your life with me anymore. It pains to hear that the one who was supposed to stand-by you throughout everything is the very person who leaves you in pain. It is easier for me to let go now because I feel betrayed. I know you mentioned that I have done numerous things to make you feel bad but I assure you, none of those combined can ever compare to the feeling of being left behind after all promises have been made. I am aware that couples make promises of the world to each other when they are in love. It’s normal. But I am also aware that it is shit to make promises and break them. You try to keep your promises to your best effort and…

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Thought of you today

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Mom in Reality

I know you want space, need space. You told me that two weeks ago, but I haven’t done a good job of giving it to you. I am sorry for that. You deserve so much more than me and my mess and you’ll never find it if I keep standing in your way. I feel like I’ve held you back from finding what you deserve.

I thought of you when I woke up in the middle of the night. I thought of you when I woke up this morning. None of that is anything new. I always think of you. I look at my phone first thing when I wake up and last thing before I go to sleep and a million times in between.

I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I know you love me, you still show me in little ways. I know I’m not a…

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